speaking out loud

And be in love, and somehow abnegate. Feel free to abnegate not the love. Not you , your arms or your easy laugh but feel so free in love feel so free and safe that I could run a marathon without tiring my feet. Because I have that feeling of touching the ground with my feet after a long party, the same party I wanna go with you, dance and celebrate you. I really want to live some many things, I wanna share so many feels fields lakes. I guess I’m ready. You made me realize that I am so open, as if there is no other option, as if there is no other option of being or feeling than this. I have no choice but to love. And breath…and despite the virus: breath. And despite the virus: walk. I love the fact that you like to walk around the city holding my hand and that you stare at me for hours, I can feel your eyes on me. Suddenly I’m being looked at. Suddenly I exist. Not like I need yours or other looks to exist, I’m not talking about permission, I’m talking about vibration. You make me evaporate. And if my throat gets dry it’s your fault. I always have to carry a bottle of water or a lipstick. You are not afraid of my lipstick. You are not afraid of my touch. You are not afraid of my words but that I leave you. As if I want to go somewhere else. Actually yes, I want to fly! Cause suddenly this love has also given me wings. But can’t you see? You already exist inside me and I feel like a VOLCANO!! Exploding happiness, joy, emotions and meowing to your cute selfies and your strange calls, strange voice messages. Sometimes I feel insecure. We both know how to cause that in each other, an anxiety that I admit, maybe I need. But you know how to take care of me. You take care of me, baby. And when I feel weak you feed me with your stupid jokes, kisses and your smell. I didn’t think I would like someone’s smell as much as I like yours. And even far away I can smell you. It’s animal. Also a little bit creepy. Chemistry. Does that sound strange? Is it too soon? It’s just not fair not to live it, you said we deserv to live it. And somehow I’m ready to absorb and be absorbed in this sea of joy and pleasure. Talk about the landscape. I want a deep dive with you. Under the moon, yes, the whole scene. I know you like the scene, that’s how I got you. Cause you know that desire is real, and we carry the unsustainable urge to feel something, to be desiring something. The can’t-live-without-it. And now, do you want to play? And if you think I’m going to run, disappear, slip through your fingers, maybe I will. It’s also my nature to be slippery matter, butter. The heat, the sweat. And that’s why I love winter, it makes my skin change texture. And if I tell you that I want to love you in winter, it’s because I want you to stay. Stay with me. Yes, there is no other place but inside me now. I hope you find a way. In this long journey I am making, sometimes I think it is in the beginning, but as I told you once, maybe sometimes I feel I don’t have much time, but I can still spend one, two, three days, a week again and again and enjoy the silence and your french music. And your eyes, again, I can feel it, I can feel you here! And I’m pointing now to the middle of my chest, it’s not in my stomach anymore, but above, and I want to scream! I want to say your name, like you say my name, like you were born knowing. This love will drive me crazy, I don’t know how much time we have left but I won’t judge anymore. Lesson learned: I won’t judge. You will break my heart, I know. I’ll break your heart too. We’ll break and we’ll laugh and cry and dance and we’ll make each other speechless. We know how to make each other speechless. Somehow we also know so much about each other that I ask myself, am I faking it? What is really going on? Am I faking all this feeling? How could I? In this non-linear story, me and you, the characters. Maybe this is the first time I see myself on someone’s side and their eyes on me, and again, I have to say it again, I exist. Do I make you feel this way? I know that this chest anxiety is something we both share and cannot deny. We will be unbearable in this world! And I want to laugh! I am open and I feel alive. This is, my dear friends, the power of the passion, as I said in the first poem I wrote to you. This is, my friends, the power of the passion, as I said in the first poem I wrote to you. And I want to write, you make me want to. It’s not a disease that I need to get off my chest, I feel inspired, feeded, and it makes me want to change and then you come along and say: change, i want to change too. Do you?

21/2/21

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